Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
You Might Also Like
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey