Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
A little too much information.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything