Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.