Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

How to draw a duck

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this