Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Breaking news:
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
This is hilarious….
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.