Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.