Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD