ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.