Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

I can’t wait!

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.