ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.