Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

love pickles so much i put myself in one

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

I put the hot in psychotic.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”