*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
honey, bring out the fine china.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?