*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”