Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

My favorite recipe is the one where I pick up the phone & order take out.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes