Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.