Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY