Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’