Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.