Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”