Room with a view.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]