Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*