Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

ㅤㅤ

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.