Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.