ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sing it!
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now