Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Let’s Go

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.