Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
