Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
You Might Also Like
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
