Roombas should bark
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Carpe DM
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*