Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You Might Also Like
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.