ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
🙋♀️
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead