Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

I have obtained a hat

This joke is 7 years old

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.