ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Well well well…
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
