Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he