Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

english majors be like furthermore

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

respect

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.