Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m sorry…what?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.