Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.