[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Only short people can save us
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Hey I worked for it too!