Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Always…

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

good news everyone

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.