Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.