[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.