[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.