Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do