Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.