Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Van Gone

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me