My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*