Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

When I face a minor setback

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread