*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
You Might Also Like
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
😾
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard