Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls