Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.