Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go