@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

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@XplodingUnicorn

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

@sarahclazarus

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

@Boo_berries_

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@Tommytoughstuff

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

@Hobo_Splendido

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@chloethesiren

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

@MCaparco

Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go