Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

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U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything


(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.


When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.


Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.


Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot


Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends


Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.


I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.


My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell



me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?