Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow