Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

I need this for my side hustle.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

My sex drive has a dui

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*