Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
checking out some reviews of my local library
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.