@BazarComedy

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

- @BazarComedy

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@YesItsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@Darlainky

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”