Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.