@BazarComedy: Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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@PrettyInCamo11: You know it's time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
@conajam: interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance” me: interviewer: me: you don’t remember me do you?
@sharpular: I'm outside Costco and only need a few things. *one hour later* I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.
@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.