Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Important reminders
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Not recommended for beginners.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”