Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?