Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

In banana years, I am bread.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Harsh but fair

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

found a horse’s reddit account

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc