Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son