Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

No one can handle that

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

How do horror writers compete with current events?

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?