[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]