ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
How about daylight saves us for once
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
