Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”