[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
馃槵
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I鈥檓 sorry for a lot of things but I鈥檓 not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it鈥檚 my birthday today.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The morning after pill, but for tweets