rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Canadian owl: Eh?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
#polloftheday
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned