Rooting for the overdog
You Might Also Like
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
look scared
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok