Rooting for the overdog
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
let’s discuss
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.