Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you