Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.