Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

o shit

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel