Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.