Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

And bowling should be called pinball

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle