Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Covid like

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.