Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

If looks could kill

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Wednesday

Leonardo DiCaprisun

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*