Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Cndnsd Mlk

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.