How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack
JACK: You have room
ROSE: I’ll never let go
JACK: You’re in a sailboat
ROSE: Goodbye Jack
JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck
JACK: The boat has a living room
ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
Her: im pretty into extreme sports
Me: cool me too! which ones?
Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding
Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.