ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I’ll never let go

JACK: You’re in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck


JACK: The boat has a living room



ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint

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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.


I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.


Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”


Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.


*first date*
Her: im pretty into extreme sports

Me: cool me too! which ones?

Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding

Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to


BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan


Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.