Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it