Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Sounds like a bargain

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

He took my last fry, your honor

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Story of my life…..

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.